


Stare Into the Abyss and the Abyss Stares Back at You

by rainydayes



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Childhood Trauma, Dissociation, M/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 13:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11624631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainydayes/pseuds/rainydayes
Summary: Jared has been acting strange lately and it's starting to worry Richard. But Richard will soon realize that 'strange' goes farther than he ever anticipated.





	Stare Into the Abyss and the Abyss Stares Back at You

**Author's Note:**

> I tried not to write this out too melodramatically since I feel angst in that sense is kind of a teen oriented response. I'm not even sure if it will all make sense in the end or not.

Jared usually liked a pot of coffee in the morning, but this morning was different. This morning, the coffee wasn’t just a means of caffeine and survival. He couldn’t stop thinking about how strange the concept of ‘bean water’ was, or the way his pale fingers grasped the mug handle, or how his pale fingers didn’t feel like his own. He felt homeless this morning and it unnerved him.

Richard also liked coffee in the morning, but this morning was different. This morning, Jared wasn’t idyllically talking to him about a documentary he had managed to watch in his downtime the night before or about a long lost memory from his past that this morning’s coffee reminded him of (there are a surprising amount of stories). He couldn’t stop thinking about the way that Jared’s usually vibrant blue eyes seemed to gloss over, or how Jared wouldn’t stop staring at that godforsaken mug, or the fact that Jared had screamed helplessly in German the night before as he passed by the garage in order to have a midnight snack.

“Richard?” Richard looked up instantly at his companion, resisting the urge to screech at the face that stared intensely back at him. Jared looked ghoulish and empty and it scared him.

“Y-yeah, what’s up?” Richard tried to push out smoothly with no success.

“Do you feel alive, right now?” Jared asked, sincerity seeping through the glossy orbs it inhabited. Richard tried to contain a look by wringing out his hands before answering with an unprofound, “Sure.”

“I don’t,” Jared replied simply before quickly rising to go to his work station, leaving Richard in the dust of his own confusion. 

-

“He’s been like this all week now and I don’t know what to do,” Richard whispered in frustration to the rest of the Pied Piper team. The dynamic duo sat back-to-back playing video games as they listened to their CEO complain. It wasn’t uncommon for Richard to confide in them on such occasions but neither would deny that it was mildly irritating.

“Well, if it’s affecting his work performance you can just address it from that angle and I’m sure he’ll take it fine,” Dinesh offered listlessly. Richard shook his head in agitation, his lip getting caught between his teeth as he nervously chewed it. 

“That won’t work. He’s actually been performing better than ever.” He let out a heavy sigh before flopping onto the couch. Dinesh shrugged, offering no further guidance.

“Maybe you should leave him be. People are quiet sometimes, Richard. Not everyone always needs to be the center of attention,” Gilfoyle droned, a small smirk on his lips when he finally defeated Dinesh.

“Fuck!”

“Told you you’d lose.”

“I don’t always have to be the center of attention, Gilfoyle. Besides this isn’t about me,” Richard grumbled as he covered his face in frustration. Gilfoyle shrugged.

“Never said it was,” he responded, putting down the controller to turn towards the cloud of anxiety that Richard was slowly forming on the couch. “Have you ever heard of the term ‘dissociation?’”

Richard shook his head solemnly, slowly sitting up again to fully face the two on the floor. Dinesh turned towards Gilfoyle in curiosity.

“You have a guy who constantly hints at having a fucked up childhood and it never occurred to you to—as an employer and decent friend—ask if he had received help at any point?” Richard’s eyes widened in realization, commencing to smack his forehead repeatedly.

“Fuck. Fuck! This is all my fault, isn’t it?”

“Of course not,” Gilfoyle said matter-of-factly. “It’s really his own problem and you can’t force someone to get help if they don’t want it. But if this is really bothering you, I say start there so you can leave us the fuck alone.”

“I second everything he just said, just so we’re clear,” Dinesh chimed in, immediately retreating to play another round.

“You’re going to lose, Al Qaeda.” 

“That’s a dated insult, asshole.”

Richard sighed, leaving the living room in hopes of finding Jared. He didn’t have to turn the corner before immediately running into a familiar green vest. 

“Oh hello, Richard. Are you okay?” Richard cringed at the blank stare the taller man gave him, instantly longing for the doting affection Jared usually gave him. He nodded anyhow, forcing a curt smile before quickly walking to his room.

He couldn’t find it in him to ask right now.

-

Jared knew the guys were worrying about him. It wasn’t particularly difficult to piece together: Dinesh and Gilfoyle had been holding back their usual slew of nicknames all week, and Richard was (although terribly) avoiding him. It didn’t bother him as much as it usually would. In fact nothing this week seemed to. He was taking passenger seat in his body for awhile and it was like he wasn’t ever driving at all. He was barely there in his dreams anymore. It was like he wasn’t really Jared, or Donald. 

Maybe this whole time he was just recalling a different person’s stories and had mistaken them for his own. Maybe he’d only dreamt he had to fight the dogs or find his real father in a militia. Maybe none of it was real ever.

Maybe this could be it. Maybe he’d simply imagined he’d gone to university and majored in business. Maybe he’d never even worked for Google, or Hooli, or whatever cult-like world changing company had enticed him. Maybe Pied Piper was simply a dream to make the nightmares less nightmarish. Maybe it was times to stop for a moment.

Or maybe it wasn’t.

-

“Where’s Jared?”

The three programmers looked over to find an empty seat. Someone must’ve heard him leave, or at the very least have seen him.

“Bathroom?” Dinesh offered.

“Nope. The door’s open,” Gilfoyle answered promptly. Something that Richard could only describe as sickness filled his stomach.

“The pool.” 

Gilfoyle and Dinesh looked at him in confusion. Richard stood absentmindedly, sending his headphones flying onto the floor. He didn’t flinch too badly at that.

“I’ve never seen Jared swim...thankfully,” Dinesh stated, obviously not following where Richard and his brilliant brain were going. Richard walked quickly towards the back before turning around to motion that his colleagues follow.

“Our Jared doesn’t swim, but this Jared simply by principle does the opposite of what normal Jared does in regards to inhibition,” Richard declared proudly.

“Can you stop being a pretentious piece of shit?” Gilfoyle grumbled, but Richard was too distracted to hear him.

“We can easily assume that while our Jared doesn’t swim, he may still have a part of him that would like to but resigns from it during business hours .”

“So you’re saying he's in the pool?” Dinesh clarifies. Gilfoyle curses under his breath before immediately sprinting outside. The other two look at each other disorientedly before jogging out behind him. Immediately Richard wishes he hadn’t.

Jared’s body floated underneath, his eyes closed and mouth parted open. The three stood there in shock as they stared at what they could only assume was a dead body.

“No, no, no,” Richard mumbled, feverishly taking off his shoes, and socks, and clothes. Soon he was down to his boxers until taking a generous dive into the water. He could hear shouting from down below, but he was determined to get Jared out of there with at least the possibility of living. He swam furiously, trying to recall the fastest method he learned from too many years of swim lessons before settling on the mermaid. He was soon within arms reach as he stuck his hand out to catch Jared’s, pulling the taller body towards his smaller one. 

His lungs began to burn from lack of air as he desperately tried to wrap his arm around Jared’s torso before attempting to swim to the surface, barely registering the small movements the other was making. His head finally broke surface as air immediately fills his lungs leaving him breathing furiously. He tried his best to swim towards the edge while his eyes blinked away chlorine, finally catching some sort of floatee being pulled by Dinesh and Gilfoyle most likely.

“Dude, that was so cool! You like supermanned that so hard!” Dinesh whispered excitedly, despite the fact that they were outside.

“Yeah, you did something right for once. Is he even still breathing?” Gilfoyle chimed in, pulling Jared’s body into the grass. He set his head against the possible corpse’s chest to hear a rapid beat. Richard had climbed out successfully, now standing dripping wet as they huddled around the possibly deceased.

“So?” Richard asked anxiously. Gilfoyle gave what resembled a smile of relief.

“He’s alive alright.” The two standing celebrated before quickly calming back down into awkwardness. Jared’s eyes were still closed and no part of him was moving. Gilfoyle moved his hand up to check for breath with no avail. He pinched Jared’s nose closed, leaning down to meet his lips.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Dinesh questioned right before Gilfoyle met Jared’s lips.  
“Trying to save a life. And you?”

“Do you even know how to do CPR?”

“Fucking Christ guys, this is not the time!” Richard seethed, the two freezing instantly. RIchard sighed, wiping away the chlorine droplets before they could burn his eyes. “Do any of you actually know CPR?”

Dinesh shifted awkwardly before mumbling inaudibly.

“He’s dying, Osama.”

“I’m going to ignore that, first of all. Second, I’m not touching Jared. He wouldn’t leave me alone about saving him for at least a month. Why don’t you do it Richard, and I can guide you. He already worships you anyway so it’ll only be a slight change.” Richard shrugged, taking Gilfoyle’s place. He couldn’t afford one of his closest friends, let alone an employee to die under his watch.

“That’s brilliant Dinesh. Only Richard can tolerate that kind of admiration.”

“His breath is slowing guys! He can’t die!”

“Why not?” Gilfoyle asked flatly. The two stopped and stared but Gilfoyle was unmoved. “He’s replaceable with better fits for the company to take his place who have the exact same skill level. We don’t need him and we don’t know if he wants to live either.”

Richard scoffed at the absurdity. “No one wants to die.” Gilfoyle looked his boss once over before sending a look to Dinesh. Dinesh nodded solemnly.

“Well c’mon, we still need to save him.”

-

Jared didn’t wake up again outside, but on a couch with a new set of clothes and a blanket covering him. A warm mug sat on the coffee table in front of him, urging him to get up and taste it. The liquid warmed his chest and he barely noticed how the mug sat in his hand. 

Footsteps sounded down the hallway, revealing Richard. He wore his pajamas which explained the darkness outside, and his face was filled with worry.

“What’s going on Richard? Are you okay? And why am I here if you don’t mind me asking?”

“We need to talk,” Richard said firmly, taking a seat close by. “About you, Jared.”


End file.
